Jokes
-- The Good, Bad, and Ugly
I love to laugh! I love to make others laugh almost
as much! This page fulfills at least one of those loves -- the things that
make *me* laugh. I hope they at least make you smile when you read them.
+) My friends say that I'll laugh at almost anything, and I'd have
to agree with them.
For right now, they are in no particular order.
When I get time (and the inclination!) I will put them into subject, if
there is any...
Oh, and I didn't write or create any of these
jokes. If I do have the author, I'll put it, but most are anonymous.
If you have any jokes you want to share -- I am *always* open for that!
E-mail me at wolffriend@hotmail.com
One of my all-time favorites...
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory
where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost
quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday.
He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line
just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within
twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep
up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new
employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls
waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little
cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
The boss could not control his laughter and said,
"Lady, I said to give each doll “Two----Test----Tickles."
And my other favorite...
Q. What's the definition of 'endless love'?
A. Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis!
Reasons why the chicken crossed the road:
Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other
side.
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens
to cross roads.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Timothy Leary: Because that is only trip
the establishment would let it take.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked
act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve
gas on it.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where
no chicken has gone before.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of phlegm
in its pancreas.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents
the black man. The chicken "crossed" the black man in order to trample
him
and keep him down.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a
world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their
motives called
into question.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road
with your own eyes. How many other chickens have to cross the road before
you
believe it?
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not
cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken
crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of the road justifies whatever
motive
there was.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross
a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone think to ask, "What the heck is this
chicken doing
walking around all over the place, anyway?"
Freud: The fact you are all concerned
that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurities.
Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken
Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important
documents, and balance your checkbook.
Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why
did the chicken cross the road?" Rather it is, "Who was crossing
the road at the same
time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe
the chicken crossing?"
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of
time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
disposed to cross roads.
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed
the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame
of reference.
Buddha: Asking this question denies your
own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emmerson: The chicken did
not cross the road. ...It transcended it.
Ernest Hemmingway: To die. In the rain.
Colonal Sanders: I missed one?
Hillary Clinton: It was part of a vast
right-wing conspiracy against my husband.
Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross
the road. Not a single time. Never. At least not according to my
understanding of the
word "road" at this time. [It was a street.]
Burglar Alert
A burglar broke into a house one night. Thinking the coast was clear, he
shined his flashlight around to look for valuables. He
picked up a CD player to stuff into his sack. A very peculiar, falsetto
voice from somewhere in the room said, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin. He immediately switched off the flashlight,
and remained motionless, straining to hear movement or voices.
Nothing happened for a couple of minutes, so he chalked it up to his own
imagination, and turned his light back on.
He picked up the VCR player, and again, clear as a bell, he heard, "Jesus
is watching you." He quickly shined his light around the room, and discovered
a parrot, perched near the picture window. "Hey! Did you say that?"
he snarled at the bird.
"Yep. I'm trying to warn you," the parrot squawked.
"Warn me, huh?" The burglar relaxed, and said, "And who are you?"
"Moses", replied the parrot.
"Moses?!" the burglar laughed out loud. "What kind of stupid people
would name a parrot Moses?!"
The parrot quipped, "The same people who named their Rottweiler, Jesus."
Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid
in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with
the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the.........................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..............daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of............termites.
You can lead a horse to water but ...........how?
Don't bite the hand that.......................looks dirty.
No news is.........................impossible.
A miss is as good as a........................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog.....................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you.......will stink in the morning. 
Love all, trust........................me.
The pen is mightier than......................the pigs.
An idle mind is......................the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's..............pollution.
Happy is the bride who..................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is.........................not much.
Two is company, three's.....................The Musketeers.
None are so blind as.....................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed............get new batteries.
You get out of something what you.......see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind.................get out of the way.
There is no fool like...........................Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and......you have to
blow your nose.
"I Will Survive (College Version)"
At first I was afraid
Now I'm petrified
That I can't keep my GPA of 2.5
I spent all those stupid nights
Chilling way too long
And that was wrong
But now I must be strong
And now they're back
They're in my face
3 finals and 2 papers
to be done in just five days!
I shouldn't have gone out
I shouldn't have partied
'Cause now all this work I have
Is piling up on me!
And I must go
to the library
To do research
on those papers
And, yes, I must study
It's hell, I'll tell you that
and you know it's not a lie
But I can't crumble
I can't lay down and die
Oh no not I!
I will survive!
If I keep a 2 point O
At least I'll be alive!
I've got five more days to live
and I think my brain will give
But I'll survive!
I will survive!
Cat Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat
dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top
of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,
once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this
on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
an attempt >to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason
I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning
foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid.
My only
consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies."
Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant.
He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and
speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. . .
Top Ten Signs You Pissed Off the Villagers
1. The "interesting new stew" you've been served at the inn smells suspiciously
like sewage.
2. One ripe apple at the market place costs more than your last spellbook.
3. They're building a gallows outside of your room at the inn. They
try to tell you that it's "modern art".
4. One of them asks you for a donation for the "Hire Some Thugs to
Kill the Adventurers" fund.
5. Someone glued a spike to your saddle.
6. At bed time, your goose-down pillow explodes. The innkeeper says
that the pillow was made from the feathers of very angry geese.
7. People keep providing you with gifts of horses, and maps out of
town.
8. The mayor declares a special "Murder of Foreigners is No Longer
Illegal" day, in your honour.
9. Arrows keep appearing in the dirt at your feet. Local villagers
shake their head, and claim that they are fast-growing weeds.
10. The villagers hire a band of trolls to rid their town of adventurers.
Top Ten Spells That Never Made It
1. Berman's Death-to-the-Caster.
2. Power word, fart.
3. Gelatinous Shell (immediately surrounds the caster in a gelatinous
cube).
4. Safe fall (like feather fall, but makes you weigh as much as a 12
ton bank vault).
5. Polymorph Udder (a highly specialized spell which only affects female
cattle).
6. Stinking Klaus (summons a fat, smelly German business man, who chases
your enemies while eating an Oktoberfest sausage and belching).
7. Magnetskin (a variation of stoneskin - makes the caster's skin magnetic,
giving all metallic weapons a +10 bonus to hit).
8. Meatier Swarm (large chunks of ground chuck rain to the ground).
9. Polymorph any Omelet
10. Fireballs (sets the target's testicles on fire - very effective,
but a bit too kinky for TSR)
Top Ten Signs You Play Too Many RPGs
1. Someone says "Why do you have all those numbers tattooed on your hand?",
and you reply "Those aren't tattoos, they're die imprints."
2. Your elven fighter has had sex within the last six years - and you
haven't.
3. You decide to play a zombie, just so you and your character can
have the same skin color.
4. You've been surviving so long on Doritos, Coke, and pizza that your
body now contains more plastic than your dice.
5. You can recite, verbatim, every single rule from the DMG....but
you can't remember how many kids you have.
6. You sign personal correspondences with your character's name.
7. After months of work, you have made up the entire dwarven language
- words, rules of vocabulary, the whole lot. You are bilingual, and
can now speak fluid dwarven. Your friends stare at you strangely,
and no one will sit on the same side of the table as you.
8. Drug addict and alcoholic friends of yours often stop you to say
"Dude, get a grip".
9. Your "If I won the lottery" plans involve creating: (a) a really
cool AD&D room, or (b) hiring actors to play monsters so that you and
your friends can play AD&D for real.
10. You'd rather get a natural 18 when rolling character statistics
than win the lottery.
Training Courses Now Available for Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I:
The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects
II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the
Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and
Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the
Linoleum?:
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting
Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping
It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just
for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics
Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the
Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings
from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell
When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old
Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous? Reexamining Your 1970s
Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing
the Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True! She Really May NOT Care What
"Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies
That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!":
Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the
Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under
the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS
Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During
Half-time
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You
Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
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