And now a little about me. I'm 6'1" and have spiky black hair and big muscles. I like to bike, rollerblade and swim, but I ain't no jock. I will never, ever swingdance, no matter what anyone says, even if some totally foxy female up and begged me, if she offered me a wild weekend with her and her twin sister, I still would not swingdance. No, I'm not gay. I would sooner submerge my head in an already overstuffed toilet than swingdance. I would rather greek the bottom of a circus elephant than swingdance. What's that you say? Everyone's got a price? I'd swingdance if someone painted my palm? Well maybe, but honestly I don't think anyone's ever going to. Even with unemployment low and the economy at an all time high, the number of people who have that much disposable income can be safely counted on one (ungreased) hand.

This has been today's BUSINESS NEWS, sponsored by a grant from The National Education Foundation. In just a moment we'll begin the ARTS and LEISURE section.

Last month this totally rad government grant came in, and I must admit, I've completely changed. I've given up all of my old friends, they can all take a hike. Especially anyone to do with the arts. You know, those bohemian types. Can't stand em. The phonies. In a few years they will be working straight jobs and having kids and paying mortgages, just like the normal people they now believe they are better than. But for now, these people are better than you and me, you see, because they are so arty and free. I would like to see these people fitted with cement overshoes and floated in the East River. No, that's too good for them. They say the East River ain't as toxic as it used to be. Bohemian corpses really should float in the most toxic river possible. Then again, that stuff about the East River getting cleaner is all a lie. OK, lets dump em in the East River.

Chances are actually pretty good you'll see me doing the lindy next week and having a grand old time just making a total fool of myself. Just like everyone else. What do you expect from a former military man? I've got no imagination and prefer to simply follow along and do what I'm told. I don't know how else to be. But then again, I like it that way. Why bother trying to do anything different? I can't stand pretention. Now, how do you think I got this grant? It's because I don't pull any punches and tell the truth. Truth and accuracy in reporting, OK, it's not original, but that's my motto. I've spent most of my life living up to it.