217 CASE 4 seems to be overriding some of his fear. As they finish with the latest writing, she asks him, "How do you feel about coming unglued on us last time, Terry?" "Man! Was that ever stupid of me, or what? I mean, like, here I was -- in jail, handcuffed, with a guard on each arm... I don't know how I thought I was going to get away! I just saw that sign, over the door we'd just come out of, and 'if THAT was a secure area -- maybe THIS one isn't,' flashed through my mind and, well, I guess the rest of it's history... How stupid can a person get?" "What you DID was really stupid, that doesn't make YOU stupid. It means you made a really bad choice that, hopefully, you learned from. How did that choice occur, Terry?"` "Because of the choices I made before that? Like pretending that none of this was real and it wasn't really happening, I guess that'd be what you'd say?" "That does sound like something I'd say, Terry. But, what do you say?" Gwen counters, wanting to be surer of him, before she proceeds any further. "Yeah, I can see where that was a lot of it. It's kind of like I woke up all of a sudden. That, and I got real mad about what you all were fixing to do to me. I learned in treatment that I tend to get mad and fight when I'm scared. Really, though, the only person I can really get mad at for my being here, and what's going to happen to me, is myself. This is harsd to get used to. Everything considered, really, everybody's treated me pretty decent here. You most of all...." he says, as he starts crying again. "Tell me what you're feeling right now, Terry," Gwen says sympathetically. "I guess, kind of like I let you down. Like, I know it's nothing personal and all, except maybe for you, and all you do is try to help me... I mean, like, I DID the stuff that the judge sent me here because of..." he says with a dejected shrug. "In one sense you're right, Terry. I do tend to take the progress of the people I work with kind of personally. Sometimes, too much so, and that makes it harder, for me too, when they have to be gurneyed. Not because I feel like they let me down, but because I ask myself what I could have said or done differently... but, that's a risk I choose to take, Terry. Really, the only person you let down was yourself. When you leave here, you may never see me again; but, you have to face yourself every time you look in a mirror...." Gwen stops for a moment, a look of serious contemplation on her face. She rubs her eyebrows with her left fingers, takes a deep breath, then piercingly looks Terry straight into the eyes. As he starts to look away, she stops him with, "No! Don't look away! I want you to look me straight in the eyes while I ask you this and while you answer me. Nervously biting his lower lip, he very hesitantly answers, "Uh... O.K...." with a growing sense of panic, he adds, "What is it you want to ask me?" "Terry, if I stick my neck out and do something that I don't normally do, in order to help you get a start on that positive side of the scales, and ask you to do something which is going to be so difficult that a lot of other challenges in life are going to seem ------------------------------------------------------------------- CASE 4 218 easy by comparison; are you going to chop my head off?" Gwen asks him, boring a hole into him with her eyes. Eyes wide with fearful apprehension and a sinking feeling in his stomach, he answers, "Uh... I hope not... I'm scared to say for sure, though. I'd sure try not to..." "This will take everything you have in you; but, I wouldn't put you in this position if I didn't feel like you DID have it in you, Terry," she answers, still holding his eyes. "Uh... If you say so...." trying unsuccessfully to look away. "What is it you want me to do, Gwen?" he asks, none too sure that he wants to know. "All right Terry, I'm going to risk it; because, if you can do this, it should not only balance out your feelings about what happened last time, but it'll also give you something which you can look back on and tell yourself 'If I could get through THAT, I can get through anything!" At this point, Terry is DEFINITELY not at all sure he wants to know where this is going... He keeps trying to look down and Gwen says sharply, "Don't look away and don't look down! This is about wrestling back some of the power from that other side of you. The same side that is causing you to want to turn away, to want to avoid the situation, and avoiding my eyes is just a symbol of that. So win this first battle with it by not letting it turn you away! O.K.?" "O.K., Gwen, but -- man! This is HARD!" "I told you, this is going to take everything you've got. And the stakes are high, in both directions: If you lose, not only will it be like a heavy rock dropping down on that already overloaded negative side; but, it's also liable to land you back on that gurney. If you win, you've still got that heavy rock, only it'll drop on the positive side. Hopefully with enough force to bounce out some of the negative stuff that's overflowing it. Terry already feels like he knows where that rock is right now -- extending from his throat to his stomach! As he fights with himself to hold contact with Gwen's eyes, she goes on. "You know there's absolutely no way to change what's going to happen to you, right?" Catching himself trying to look away, he answers, "Uh, yeah... I know that; but, part of me still wants all this to go away," as he feels his dry eyes getting wet again. "It's not going to 'go away,' we both know that... What I'm going to do, though, is give you an opportunity to change your reactions, by making you an active participant this time, and to face those fears. That's what it's going to take to do this. If you try to just bury them, it won't work. You'll really have to deal with them head on between now and 5 o'clock tomorrow evening, when... Damn it, Terry! Open your eyes!" she emphatically reminds him as his eyes snap shut and he gasps. "Wait! I thought I'd be here longer! I mean, I'm not ready... I mean, I've got so much more work to do... I mean...," he sputters. Gwen cuts him off. "There's no point in keeping you here any longer than you have to be, no one is ever 'ready,' and you're going to be working your rear end off for about the next 20 hours, or so! World War III is going to be going on in your head; so, much ------------------------------------------------------------------ 219 CASE 4 so, that I'm going to grab a blanket and sleep over in one of the empty cells, just in case you need one of the techs to come get me. I'll leave orders for them to come get me if you ask them to, and I expect you to ask them to if you feel like you're losing, O.K.?" "Ummm... Yeah... O.K..... So, what is it you want me to do?" he whispers nervously, still fighting to keep his eyes from twisting away. "O.K.... For starters, you're going to take your list and, remember last time, how I kept giving you things to focus on in between each lash? Well, you're going to lay that out for me from your list. You're going to write me a script, so to speak. I'd recommend that, since the first ones aren't going to hurt nearly as bad as the later ones will, you arrange it so that the stuff which doesn't bother you as much corresponds with the first ones and the stuff that bothers you the most corresponds with the ones which are going to hurt the most. Try and make a direct connection in your mind to the point that, when we do this, tomorrow, you'll hear it in your mind... Don't look away from me, Terry! Even before I read it off. I want you to precede each one with: 'this pays off all the interest for,' then fill in the blank." "Did you know that you were going do this to; uhh, I mean, to have me do this, Gwen? I mean, when you had me do that list?" "Not really, Terry. I knew you needed to unload some of the baggage you've been lugging around and I considered drawing off of the items which really bothered you to do that. My instinct was kind of hinting that you could do this, and it would help; but, as for knowing? No, Terry, 99 percent of my job's instinct, mixed with experience.... But, I've been pretty well right about everything else, right?" "Well, Uh, Yeah.... I just don't know about this though... " he answers reluctantly. "So, have you got enough faith in me to believe I won't tell you that you can do something that you don't have it in you to do?" "Well, yeah, well, I guess so..." he answers hesitantly, after thinking about it and wiping his sweaty palms. "Good! Remember that!!! You're going to need it, 'cause it gets heavier....." Gwen says, detecting a gasp from Terry as he blinks, then gets wide eyed. "Once you finish that, I want you to go over every step of the route. I know that you had your eyes closed part of the way last time, Terry; but, you've seen enough of this place to fill in the blanks... In addition to the ones that I set, I'm going to give you four 'stops' along the way, each long enough for you to do that breathing exercise, the one I taught you, three times before we proceed. Three of these I want you to preplan, the other one's a 'freebie,' to use whenever you really need it. Since there will only be one of these, though, I'd advise you to plan the other three very carefully and not to use it frivolously. You'll say, 'stop' each time. Partly as a signal to me; but, much more importantly, you'll be telling that other part of you to 'stop' trying to make you panic -- that it won't change anything and you refuse to give it the power to cause you to make things any worse than they're going to be anyway. Next,..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- CASE 4 220 "Next?!?!" Terry howls, wild eyed and shaking his head. "I don't see ANY way I can do THIS stuff..." "As I was saying -- Next -- in the morning, they'll feed you breakfast and, about an hour later, they'll take you out to go shower. Same procedure as before; but, I want you to get a good look down the hall on the way; so, I'll tell them to give you a chance to do that. While you're in the shower, I want you to spend several minutes standing with your back under the spray, to get any dead skin or remaining scabs off. There won't be as much tearing that way. When they bring you back, you are to write down EVERYTHING which runs through your mind, as it comes through, I don't care how trivial it seems to you. Just kind of connect your hand to your mind. They'll bring you lunch about noon. Don't gulp it down; but, don't take too long eating it either. I want them to pick up your tray by 12:30, so that your food has time to digest. I don't want you to get sick on us. By that time, that knot in your stomach will probably be so tight that it'll be hard to keep lunch down even then, but try to. You know it's going to be a while, after it's over, before you'll feel up to eating. Same after lunch as before. No matter what it is, as it comes through your mind, it goes down on paper. This is VERY important, Terry! I really can't emphasize it enough. Everything goes down on paper as you think it. Any time you feel like you want to talk something over, or feel like you need some reinforcements, just stick your arm out, and tell the tech. I'll be here within 15 minutes. I want you to do most of this, so that you can give yourself the credit; but, there's a lot to be said for knowing it's O.K. to ask for help when you need it, too. So, unless you call for me, I won't come back until about 4 p.m. When I do come back, we'll talk about whatever you feel like you need to, and we'll go over that script. Then, at exactly 4:45, two techs will come to the door, and one of them will tap on the glass. When you see him, I want you to keep your eyes open, take three breaths, and stand up on your own. Next, I want you to take three more breaths, then go ahead and take your top off. After that, take three more, turn around, and face me, I'll still be sitting on the bunk, and put your hands out like this.." Gwen says, as she demonstrates a palms up and out, elbows and wrists together position. "Though I won't fault you if it's more like this..." as she repeats the position with her fists tightly clenched. "You will HOLD that position until I put the handcuffs on, unless I need to move you a little. If I do need to move you, you will co-operate however I need for you to. Are you following this, Terry?" Terry's been staring, in wide-eyed, frozen shock throughout all of this. "Uhh, yeah.... I'll try...." he says quietly, his whole body shaking. "Don't just try, Terry, DO IT! Do it in your mind until you can do it for real! Don't look down!... Watch your reflection in my eyes! Do it in your head, while I'm telling you. After I handcuff you, you're going to take three more breaths. Picture us at that point, and take them now, Terry. Keep staring at yourself in my eyes while you do it." His attention riveted, he complies. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 221 CASE 4 "O.K. Keep on following me in your mind, Terry. After you take those three breaths, you're going to nod your head once. This will be a signal to the techs to unlock the door. When the door is open... Picture it opening, Terry and watch yourself turn toward it and take three more breaths. Do the breaths now, Terry." She watches as his chest slowly rises, then falls, three times. "Good, now picture yourself walking out the door, turning right, and stopping to take three more breaths. When you finish, you will put one foot in front of the other and start walking." She pauses briefly, to give him time to simulate this in his mind, before moving on with, "When we reach the end of the cells, we'll come to the hallway and turn left. See it in your mind, Terry. There'll be some office doors and another hallway going off to the left. About 20 feet past this second hallway, there'll be that door with the numeric lock. Picture yourself stopping in front of it and me blocking your view while I open it. Take three more breaths, do them as we walk through this, Terry." Again, she pauses, waiting until he finishes. "You're doing good; just stay with me... Next, you'll walk through this door, and a tech will close it behind us. Directly ahead of you is the elevator. We'll walk across the hall to it and stop. You'll take three more breaths and press the button yourself." Gwen breathes along with Terry, partially to remaind him, and partially as an opportunity to catch her own breath. "There's no way of knowing how long it will take, but since we're the only ones with access to that elevator, it shouldn't take long. I'll walk in and you'll follow me in; then, the techs will enter and stand to the left, the right facing in... We're on the third floor right now, and we need to go up to the fifth. The numbers are to the right of the door as you face out; you'll press '5'. The doors are closing now and the elevator is moving upward; now, it stops and the doors are opening, Terry." After a brief pause, she tells him, "I'll walk out, you will follow me. The techs will be right behind you. Don't follow the temptation to try to pretend that this is 'just another elevator ride,' because it isn't and you know it." she tells him, not to be mean to him in any way; but, out of knowledge that he'll just be setting himself up if he tries to use any denial tactics. "O.K., you're in the hallway now... You turn to your right and walk about 10 feet to another hallway that cuts off to your left. You turn down that down this hallway and walk about 30 feet. On your right, you'll see a door with a sign saying 'punishment room authorized entry only' on it. When you see this sign, you'll stop and turn to your right. I know you'll be feeling a lot of fear; but, remind yourself, 'I CAN get through this!' I'll open the door and walk through. You'll follow me in, Terry. Again, the techs will follow you. It'll look much the same as when you saw it while Bill was bandaging you last time. You'll take five steps in, and stop. You WILL NOT move... You WILL stand there, and continue your breathing exercise, while I go get a restraint." Again, she takes a few deep breaths, as a reminder for him to do likewise. His eyes are welling with tears and she wants to finish before he breaks his attention; so, sher own air supply replentished, she hurries to finish. ------------------------------------------------------------------- CASE 4 222 "When I come back, you'll put your arms out like before, and hold them there while I wrap it around each wrist, Terry. Then, you'll walk over to the board, place your feet under the bottom panel and bring your arms up to about chin level. You will lean forward until your chest is resting against the top board and keep your arms up while I hook the end of the strap into place. The techs will adjust the upper board, and I'll put a bar into the strap. You will then grab hold of this bar. Meanwhile, the techs will be fastening some straps below your knees, and you will co-operate with them. I'll take some slack out of the strap, and the med-tech will scrub you down. I'm going to give you just a couple of minutes to pull yourself together and, sometime during that couple of minutes, I want you to nod your head once. If you're taking too long, I'll say, 'Terry?' and I'll expect you to nod. Whether you nod or not, this IS going to happen... So you might as well humor me. At that point, I'll turn you over and all you have to do is hang on, remember to breathe, and stay with me while I use the script you put together tonight. It won't get as bad, as quickly; but, by the time it's over, it's going to be just as bad as last time, Terry. Be prepared for that... Keep on following me! Keep watching yourself in my eyes!" Gwen snaps, as Terry tries to close his eyes. "As I was saying, Be prepared for that... When it hurts so bad that you don't think you can stand it, it's O.K. to pull yourself up a little with that bar, that's what it's there for. It'll help keep your spine in and it'll keep you from twisting and catching the whip on your sides, where the skin is even thinner. Keep watching yourself in my eyes, Terry! Try to time your breaths so that you're just finishing filling your lungs as the tech calls the number; then, try to hold it until it's knocked out of you. If you have to yelp, that's O.K. I've never seen anyone stay silent. It's nothing to be ashamed of; but, try to start on another deep breath just as soon as possible. If you'll recall, panting didn't help the pain at all. It just made you a little dizzy, and that made it hurt worse. I know you'll get kind of foggy; but, try to concentrate on the script. When that's not possible, follow my voice and just concentrate on it. The tech will be calling them at 20 second intervals, just like the last time; so, you're looking at about six and a half minutes from the time the first lash is called until it's all over with. Granted, it'll FEEL like an eternity... But, it WON'T be... When it's over, we'll give you a few minutes to get your legs back under you; then, we'll unhook you, and help you over to the gurney so the med-tech can take care of you. After he does your vitals, I'm going to hook your restraint back up to the catch under the gurney. You about yanked my hand off last time. But, that was my mistake; no one expects you not to jump. Then, I'll unhook you, they'll raise the rails, and all you have to do is settle back for the ride, unless he wants to bandage you first. Now, Terry, run that back to me..." "There's just no damn way in hell I can do this, Gwen!!" Terry exclaims, shaking his head franticly. "Yes! You can! I said it was going to take everything you have in you, and it will! But, you DO have it in you, Terry! You need to KNOW you have it! Once you know that strength is there, you can ------------------------------------------------------------------- 223 CASE 4 always tap into it; and, every time you tap into it, it gets stronger. Staying clean isn't going to be easy, either! But, if you can do this, a whole lot of the other battles will seem like skirmishes in comparison. So, run it back to me, Terry. Watch yourself in my eyes while you do it." "Uh, is this kind of like some kind of hypnosis or something?" he asks, his eyes full of suspicion. "Terry, all hypnosis is, is focused, concentrated attention. So, in that sense, it kind of is; just not in the sense you're probably thinking. All that stage show crap you may be thinking about is just that, crap. The people who do weird things like pretend they're chickens and go flapping around just because they're told to, work for the so-called 'hypnotist.'Also, hypnosis is normally a rather relaxed state," Gwen laughs, "and I think it would be a real understatement to say that doesn't apply..." Terry doesn't look amused when he says, "Anything BUT!!!" "So, in one context, it's similar; but, in the others, no. It really comes closer to something called imaging. You don't really need to know all that, though, to use this." "I still don't think I can do it..." he moans, as his eyes dart for the floor. "What parts seem the most difficult, Terry?" "All of it -- from start to finish!" "All right, let's look at this from another angle. If you DON'T go along with this, what's it going to change? Around 5 p.m., you'll STILL be going into that room, and you'll STILL be facing the same sentence. That's not going to change, except possibly for the worse, and you already know you don't want to get gurneyed again, right?" "No way, man! Especially not this time! Last time was bad enough!" he answers, beads of sweat flying, as he emphatically shakes his head. "Uhhmmmm, uhh... I don't guess there'd be any way I could, like, maybe, uhh, get a little something to, like, uhh, settle my nerves just a little bit? I don't mean dope... I mean, like, from the doctor, or uuhhh, like something?" he babbles, anxiously. Even though he knows that he already knows the answer, he feels compelled to ask. Giving him an incredulous, "You CAN'T REALLY be serious!" look, Gwen laughs sarcastically, then replies with, "If I pulled a stunt like that, not only would I find myself fired, and probably sitting in here on the wrong side of this door -- I'd DESERVE it to boot! And so would anyone that helped me get it for you! Not only would it be illegal for us to do it, it'd be just, plain wrong! While it might sound real good to you, right now; it wouldn't be so great, though, when you found yourself back in here because you hadn't made any real progress while you were here this time, had some incident come up where you didn't feel like you could handle it without getting high, and wound up off and running on drugs, all over again. One of the reasons I'm having you do this is I want you to know you can do things which you never thought you could do, and do them without relying on the artificial courage of drugs." "I wasn't talking about dope, or getting high! Just something to knock the edge off of my nerves..." he snorts, his voice full of exasperation. ------------------------------------------------------------------ CASE 4 224 "Drugs are drugs, are drugs... If you take something to avoid dealing with problems which you don't want to deal with, you're buying into the very same thought processes; whether you get it from the corner dealer, or from the corner pharmacy. You need to learn how to deal with life on life's terms, in order to ever have any sort of life that's worth living. You aren't going to get there by taking, even legal, drugs to deal with your feelings!" Gwen notices his hands are shaking again, even though his fists are tightly clenched. She adds, "So, tell me what doing this is going to change... As far as the outcome is concerned, that is...." "I don't know! All I know is I DON'T want to do it! You're trying to set me up!" he blurts out angrily, slamming his fist into the bunk. "Terry... Come back to me! Time to win your first battle! Are you going to let that other part of you screw you out of a chance to have a higher opinion of yourself? It's trying to sabotage you, right now!... Remember what I said about that huge rock and the scales? Remember that last letter you wrote the last time you were here? Get it out, and read it!." Terry does so, more than a just little resentfully. "Out loud, Terry..." Doing so seems to pull him back. Gwen can almost read the changes in his eyes. "Did you feel the changes, Terry? That other side taking hold of you and grabbing you around the throat, the battle to make yourself read that letter, then it retreating as you came back?" "Yeah! That was really spooky! Am I, like, one of those multiple personality dudes you hear about, or something?" "No Terry, it's not like that. This other side is just another part of you that you've built up over the years. There ARE a few similarities; but, the two are a lot different. What you've got is just a normal symptom of addiction. It's almost like it takes on a life of it's own, but it's all you, Terry. Different parts of the brain maybe. I'm not a neurologist, so I can't say for sure, it's just a hunch. But, it IS all you, Terry. It's just simpler, for your purposes right now, to treat it as if it was 'someone else'. But, don't get all muddled down in psychobabble. That's something we're trying to avoid, by our treating it that way! Anyway, again, tell me what doing this is going to change...." Nothing, I guess... I guess I'd just feel a lot more confident if I knew there was no way I could break away -- like with two of the biggest guys you've got having a tight hold on me, or, uhhh, something. I'm scared of what's going to happen, anyway; but, I'm REALLY scared of freaking out again! As bad as I hurt last time, I damn sure don't want to risk landing on that gurney THIS time!" "Terry, if you're going to 'freak out' THIS way, you definitely would the way you just described. Then the struggle would transfer from your real enemy, the addicted part of yourself, over to the techs who had a hold of you. If anything, the chances of 'freaking out' are a lot lower this way. What you're going to be doing is completely incompatible with the denial and avoidance you had last time. By not dealing with them, you were totally unprepared for the feelings that overwhelmed you when you couldn't escape them any longer. I tried to help you get to a point where you could face ------------------------------------------------------------------- 225 CASE 4 them; but, you chose to go into a temporary, total denial, instead. That, more than anything else, is what caused you to bolt and, in doing so, landed you on the gurney... A few minutes ago, YOU were setting yourself up for that happen again and that's something that I'd rather not have to see you go through again. You can prevent it by going along with me and doing what I'm telling you to do. So try it again! Stare at your reflection in my eyes and repeat what I told you that you were going to do..." Wiping his palms on the knees of his pants, he takes three deep breaths and swallows hard; then, fighting hard to keep staring Gwen in the eyes, haltingly he recounts the instructions which she has just given him with surprising accuracy. When he comes to the part where he's getting off the elevator, he mistakenly says, "turn to my left," and "the hallway will cut off to my right," Gwen corrects these errors and has him repeat it correctly. When he's finished, she tells him, "I've got to leave for a while. Write those down, so that you won't forget any of them, and I'll stop back by to double check your work before I turn in. You're going to do O.K. Have some faith in yourself for a change, Terry!" As she's leaving, she reminds him, "Remember, if you need me, just stick your arm out the slot and tell the tech to come get me." Terry nods yes; while trying, very unsuccessfully, to swallow the huge knot which seems to be blocking his throat. "When Gwen said this was gonna' take everything I had in me, she damn sure wasn't joking!" he thinks, as he watches her leave. "If I'm ever gonna' remember all of this, I guess I'd better start writing it down. I really can't believe I agreed to this! But, like she said, what's it really gonna' change? Nothing, except for maybe the way I feel about myself... I guess....." Gwen checks the time on her way out, and quickly switches gears -- going first to check on her DWI, and working with her for about an hour; then, to look in on her check writer, spending close to an hour there. Exhausted, she goes to the break room, gets a cup of coffee and flops down in a chair for almost half an hour before heading back to Terry's cell. On the way, she decides that, if she's going to hit the bathroom, she'd better do it now -- she suspects that it's liable to turn into another marathon session with Terry. As she does so, she thinks, "If this guy ever comes back, I'm going to ring his neck!" Washing her hands, she tells herself, "If he does, it sure won't be from my not trying 'every trick in the book'! Or, at least, every one which seemed to apply to him..." Gwen has a tech let her in and says, "Well, let's see how it's coming, Terry." He hands her four pages recounting the instructions she had given him. "Go ahead and keep writing while I'm looking at these, Terry," she tells him, still standing. She carefully reads them over, finding them accurate and complete. It turns out that he's handed her a page and a half of things which had been running through his mind, mostly of trying to push himself into starting on the script which he's supposed to be writing. ------------------------------------------------------------------ CASE 4 226 "You've done really well on this, Terry. That's a battle won in itself, I'm proud of you! Now, about this script. The best way to start it, is to just go ahead and start it! Take out your list, read it, and start from there. It might help for you to write down those two definitions, which I gave you last time. Remember? The ones of acceptance and courage?" "Yeah; I've got them written down from before. Belive me, I've had to read them several times today..." "Good, keep them handy. My guess is that you're going to need them several more times before all of this is over..." she signals the tech to let her out and reminds him, "You know what to do if you need me, Terry..." "Uh, Gwen?... How well do you know that guy, the one that's gonna' beat me?" "Pretty well. Why?" "Well enough to maybe ask him to kinda' go light on me?..." Gwen rubs her forehead and lets out an exasperated sigh. Dropping her hand, she slowly shakes her head and tells him. "I can't do that, Terry! And not just because I'd get in trouble, either... If you ever come back, it'll be a whole lot worse for you. I wouldn't be doing you any favors if I did anything that might add to the chance of that happening to you.... This is going to be hard on you because it has to be; not because anyone here wants to see you suffer or gets any sort of enjoyment out of it. We've got one goal, and just one: for this to be bad enogh for you to come out of here with the incentive to change your life. If we can do that, everyone wins, especially you...." On that note, she leaves. He's not the first to have asked her to try to soften things for them; but, she's never really gotten used to having to deal with that question. Usually, it happens when a pretty strong connection has taken place, which makes it all the harder to tell them "no." She makes her notes in Terry's file and leaves instructions in the log, along with a note reading, "I'm staying over. If Terry (Cell #4) needs me, come get me. I'll be asleep in #7. Otherwise, wake me up at 8 a.m." Going to her locker, she can't quit yawning and thinks, "I'm sure glad I keep a clean uniform and a pair of shorts here for times like this!" She borrows a key to the shower from the tech at the desk and goes to clean up. In the shower, she thinks, "I sure am glad Dan's a fireman. I don't think anyone else would really understand my staying over like this!" She thinks fondly of Dan and wonders whether he's asleep, or out on a call somewhere. Drying her hair, she walks back, returns the key, and has the tech unlock cell seven for her. "Go ahead and leave the door ajar," she tells him, followed by, "and make sure that the day techs read the log as soon as they come on duty. Good night." Gwen's exhausted, but her mind races for almost half an hour, plagued with various forms of: "I really hope he doesn't blow this chance..." and "I just really hope I'm doing the right thing, having Terry do this. Even though I feel like he can handle it; what if he can't.... If he loses it, and lands himself back on that gurney, I think I'll really have a hard time dealing with it, this time...." She finally drifts off into a sound sleep. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 227 CASE 4 After Gwen leaves, Terry takes out his list and looks it over, still wondering how Gwen had managed to talk him into going along with this and trying to figure out a way to get out of it. Knowing that she's right, he talks himself into taking out a new sheet of paper and writes the numbers "1" through "20" along the left-hand margin. But, then, he just sits there for a long while. Even the mere thought of doing this assignment chills him with fear. The LAST thing he wants to do is think about tomorrow -- he just wants it all to go away! "It's bad enough that I've gotta' go through it tomorrow! It's just plain cruel of her to put me through all this today!" he grumbles resentfully. "Where's she get off doing this to me!? Is this how she gets her kicks, or what!?" "You know that's bull!..." the other part of him replies, "You just don't want to do this. But, she's right, you WOULD probably fight them the other way... She didn't put you here -- so cut the crap! You're just scared and trying to turn it into anger. That won't make tomorrow any easier, so you may as well do what she told you to do..." "Yeah, I GUESS..." he sighs, picking the list back up and looking it over, still unsure how to start. Finally, he decides to arrange his list according to the points which he had given them earlier, starting with the "3s." The first three are fairly easy to arrange; but, when he tries to arrange the other three "3s," he runs into difficulty trying to prioratize them. He decides to go ahead and get the one "8" off of the list by transferring it -- one less to worry about. "Yeah, and THIS is the one you really gotta' worry about the most!" he reminds himself. He finds himself tackling the "7's," and arranges them quickly. It takes him a very gut wrenching three hours, and quite a lot of rearranging, but he finally arrives at the following list: 1) Ruining my life 2) Stealing 3) Stealing from friends 4) Selling my body 5) Not protecting Mom from my step-dad 6) Stealing from my family 7) Dealing drugs 8) Dealing drugs 9) Dealing drugs 10) Starting people on drugs in general 11) Causing harm to people 12) Putting drugs ahead of everything else 13) Starting people on crack 14) Dealing drugs to kids 15) Dealing any kind of drugs to anybody 16) Ruining other people's lives 17) Not using my potential to make something out of my life 18) Letting myself ever get so screwed up 19) Lying to myself for so long 20) Ever taking drugs in the first place! ------------------------------------------------------------------- CASE 4 228 He had decided to move the "causes" to the tail of the list, because, without those, the others wouldn't ever have happened. He found that, in doing so, he has answered his question of, "How did I ever let things get this bad?" He's also beginning to understand what Gwen was doing, when she only gave him 100 points to work with... As he studies the list, Terry's eyes are so full of tears that he can barely see to read. He feels like such a fool for thinking he had "caught" Gwen last time; because, now, he sees the awful truth to what she had said then. Doing this assignment has slammed home the full force of the realities of his life. At other times, all Terry can feel is stark raving terror of the pain, which he knows he'll feel tomorrow. Memories which are all too fresh, of his earlier trip to that room, are springing to the forefront of his mind -- made even more vivid by his mental associations between the gravity of the items on his list with the corresponding pain he will feel. He can almost hear the tech calling each number as he reads them; and he feels as if, not only his stomach, but every muscle in his body, is twisting like a steel cable about to rip apart. He tries to reassure himself by thinking of Gwen's statement that, "It won't get as bad, as fast..." but, he can't block out the second half of that statement "but, by the time it's over, it's going to be just as bad, Terry. Be prepared for that..." Terry's mind can only scream a long, wailing, "NO!!!" The voice in his head patiently waits; then asks him, "What will 'no' change?" "Nothing, I guess. Except land me back on my face. They ARE going to do it, no matter what I say or do." he replies forlornly. At this point, he almost wishes there was something in his cell which he could hang himself with; but, there isn't. He rehears Gwen's statement that, from the accounts she had read about suicide survivors, that it was something he really didn't want to do, and thinks back to the time when he'd tried to talk a friend of his out of suicide. He had even succeeded in doing so, for a while; but, his friend had done it, anyway, a couple of weeks later, and Terry had often wondered if he had been somehow to blame. He wonders if Gwen would feel the same way if she came back in and found him dead. He thinks back on how he'd told his friend that those, seemingly overwhelming, problems were only temporary. "Six and a half minutes... You can't get much more temporary than that..." the other self tells him. He gulps and replies with, "Yeah, but...!!! Six and a half minutes of pure, absolute, !À À$%ing! hell!" The other side counters with, "'Yeah, BUT...!!!' it's STILL only six and a half minutes.... Not too bad, compared to all the pain that list reflects, huh???" Terry feels as if he's going to be sick. He goes to the toilet to throw up, but only dry heaves. He curls up on his bunk, in a tight fetal position, racked with sobs of both fear and guilt. It doesn't even occur to him to have a tech go get Gwen and he lies this way crying for close to an hour, these feelings fighting for control. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 229 CASE 4 Gradually, this has a cathartic effect and he slowly pulls himself together. From somewhere deep in the recesses of his mind, come the definitions, of acceptance and of courage, which Gwen had given him. He sits up and, finding the page he had written them on, rereads them: "Acceptance is the realization that what's happening is the result of the choices which YOU have made; that if you want different results, you have to make different choices; while knowing that some choices have already been made and that the first step to getting on with your life is to deal with the results of those choices...." "Courage is the ability to do what has to be done, in spite of the fact, that you're scared out of your wits...." "Well, I'd say that I've definitely got the 'scared out of my wits' part down, I'm just not so sure I'm up to all the rest of it, though....." Memories of the things Gwen had said about taking back the power and strength come back to him and he resolves to at least give it a try. He sorts through the growing stack of paper to find his written account of the instructions Gwen had given him and thinks, "I guess I ought to be planning those 'stops' she told me to plan." As soon as he starts reading, though, he feels blocked by an overwheming feeling of impending doom. He has to keep reminding himself, "It's going to happen, no matter what I do!..." in order to prod himself along and try to fight off his desire to, again, pretend that it won't. On the pretense that it will be easier for him to read them, he rewrites his instructions so that they fit onto one sheet of paper. In one sense, he's trying to put one foot in front of the other; in another, it's an attempt to stall without really stalling. As he gets toward the end, he realizes that this list is somehow coming out to 20 items, too; and wonders if it's come out that way because of something he had done, either coincidently or sub-consciously, or whether Gwen had somehow known it would. He starts to change it, so that it will come out to either more or less, but finally just decides to leave it the way it is. "It looks like Gwen has it pretty well covered up to the elevator," he thinks, as he contemplates the 'stops' he's supposed to plan. "Only problem is, she only gave me four, and I see at least nine places where I'm going to need them... Maybe if I just had all four of them to use whenever I needed them, I might be able to get by with just four, but I've only got one 'freebie,' as she called it. I just don't know how I'm going to do this!" "What's going to be the hardest thing to do?" his mind asks. him. "That's easy! Nodding to Gwen right before it starts!" "O.K., I'd say it should definitely qualify for a 'stop' then... What's the next hardest going to be?" "I don't know! Pressing the button to go up to '5' maybe; but, there's just so many other places I might need that one that I'm afraid to use it there!!!" "The elevator was a problem before, so it might be a good idea. Also it might be a good idea to concentrate on the places where I don't get a chance to stop, while I'm waiting, and breathe," the voice in his mind suggests. ------------------------------------------------------------------- CASE 4 230 "Yeah, but... A couple of those others are really going to be bears -- like walking into that room, and walking over to that board!!!! I'm not sure which of those will be harder..." "Might want to walk through it like Gwen said to do, and find out....." "I don't even want to 'walk through it' tomorrow....." "O.K., bad choice of words... Let's try it again -- since there's no way of avoiding this, which won't make it worse, it might be a really good idea to 'rehearse' it like Gwen suggested and plan these 'stops' well enough to keep from freaking out again....." He continues this discussion for a while longer before finally coercing himself into a mentally rehearsal of tomorrow's trip and doing a couple of 'run throughs' of the parts which will take place in his cell. Reaching the point where he has to remove his top, he finds it to be all but impossible to do, even though it IS only a 'dry run.' After several very unsuccessful attempts, he decides to leave his top unvelcroed, after his shower in the morning, hoping it will drop off without too much involvement on his part. He also finds it difficult to turn around when he imagines Gwen sitting behind him on the bunk, waiting to handcuff him. Finally, he settles on an almost military pivot which minimizes the number of movements he must make. He goes on to try to imagine the rest and to decide on his stops. After much heated discussion by "the committee" (in his head), he still can't decide at which point of the elevator trip he will need his "stop" the worst. He's also decided that it's going to be extremely difficult to walk into "the room" and to proceed to the board after Gwen puts the restraint on him. He finally decides to designate these two points as his other two stops and try to make it as far as he can through the elevator experience before using the fourth stop. Doing a final walk-through, he suddenly experiences some of his worst terror and panic yet and franticly digs through his papers to get his letters before it totally engulfs him. Reading over them for an hour or so takes the edge off, and he keeps them separated from the rest of his papers for easy access in the future. In addition to being emotionally very exhausted, last night's lack of sleep is also catching up to him and his eyes hurt from the strain of so much reading and writing under the ever present light. He decides to afford himself the "luxury" of lying on his back, knowing it will be about a week before he can do so without pain. Though he would not have thought it possible, he dozes off. ------------------------------------------------------------------- 231 CASE 4 TUESDAY MORNING -- GWEN A day tech wakes her at 8 a.m. Gwen asks, "I guess Terry's doing O.K., right?" "He wrote until about 2 a.m., and read until about 3:30, then, he fell asleep. We're going to feed him about 8:30, or so, since he's still asleep. We'll get him over to the showers about 9:30, if that's O.K. with you." "Works for me... If you see him stick his arm out, tell him you'll go get me, and then get ahold of me. I'll keep you posted where I'll be. Right now, I think I'll change clothes and head for the snack bar. Call down there, if you need me, if I'm not there, then page me." She grabs her spare uniform from her locker and heads into the bathroom to change. Walking into the busy snack bar, she stretches stiffly. She sees Kurt (another counselor) sitting alone at a table, munching on a cinnamon roll. "Are those rolls any good today, Kurt?" "Yeah, they're actually fresh for a change. Somebody must have really goofed up and brought somebody else's order here by mistake..." he jokes. As Gwen rubs her stiff neck, he adds, "What truck ran over you?" "I stayed over last night. Man! Those bunks are the pits to sleep on!" "Whatsa' matter, forget to pay your rent?" Kurt teases her, knowing her tendency to often put 120 percent into her cases. "No. I spend so much time here, I just decided that I might as well move in and save the money...." she says with a shrug. "Pull up a chair, Gwen," Kurt says, as he draws back the chair next to him. "In a minute. I want to get myself some breakfast and maybe one of those cinnamon rolls -- before they realize their mistake and come to take them back. I get the feeling I'm going to need all the energy I can get, today!" she tells him, and then heads to the counter to order. As she returns with her tray, Kurt asks, "Rough case?" Yawning loudly, she answers, "Yeah! The boss called me in two weeks ago last Thursday to work a split druggie. I'm finishing him up today. He tried to break away from us at the elevator last time... He seems to have made a lot of progress in treatment, though, so I've decided to try a hands-off walk with him. I'm worried -- he's really ify... If he can do it, though, I think he'll make a lot of progress from the experience. That's why I stayed over, really." "You've got more guts than I've got, Gwen. But, maybe that's why your return rate's almost zero...." "I try not to think about that too much and just do the best I can. If I take too much credit for their not coming back, I'd, in turn, tend to blame myself when they did. I just try to do the best I can with each case and try to remember that the rest is up to them... I'm not always successful at looking at it that way. But, when I know I've given it everything I've got, it does make it a lot easier for me to do, though..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- CASE 4 232 They visit over breakfast, then Gwen looks at the clock -- 9 a.m. "Oops! I need to check on a couple other cases and get them busy as early as possible; I'd better head back upstairs. Oh, by the way, what do you have coming up? I've got an observational deferral that I need to match up for as early as possible tomorrow. I don't want to keep her here any longer than necessary; but, I want to keep things pretty flexible today in case I've got to work with Terry on short notice...." "What's her charge?" Kurt asks. "Oh, about $100 worth of bad paper." "Yeah, any of mine would cover that. Let me check to see how my cases are coming along this morning and check the schedule. I'll try to let you know something by lunch, Gwen. I guess I really ought to be heading up there and getting started myself. I'll ride on up with you." They ride up to the third floor, each somewhat lost in thought, shifting gears for the day ahead... As they are being let in, they wish each other luck and head their separate ways. INSERT PHOTO OF MAIN ENTRANCE ------------------------------------------------------------------- 233 CASE 4 TUESDAY MORNING -- TERRY Terry's sleeping fitfully and he wakes with a start at the sound of his breakfast tray sliding through the slot. In a panic, he realizes that it's morning already. "I can't believe I dozed off! Sheer exhaustion I guess!" Jumping up, he feels an urgent need to know the time, although a large part of him really doesn't WANT to know. "Hey, tech! Can you tell me what time it is?" he asks a tech who is walking by. The tech looks at his watch and tells him,"8:35 in the morning, Terry. Go ahead and eat, we're going to be by to take you to the shower in about an hour." "Is Gwen still here?" "She's downstairs; do you want me to call her up for you?" "No, not right now. I guess I just wanted to know she was here...." His stomach is in too much of a knot for him to have much of an appetite; but, he forces down what he can, knowing that lunch will be even worse, and dinner a long way off.... Waiting to go to the shower, he rereads the letters and wrestles with himself about whether he has planned his stops right. "Maybe I SHOULD have her check them and see what SHE thinks... I'll tell the techs when I go to the shower," he thinks, as he sets his tray back into the slot. Sitting there, waiting, he recalls Gwen's instruction for him to write down everything that comes to mind. He picks up his pen and starts writing down his rapidly swirling thoughts until a tech taps on the glass... Although he knows he's only being taken to the shower; the tapping sound, and the knowledge of what it will mean later, causes adrenaline to pump through his veins. He worries, "If I'm THIS jumpy now, I don't know how in the world I'm going to be able to keep it together later!..." Pulling himself back together, he gets up and puts his hands through the slot, then steps back and waits for the door to open. On his way through the door, he notices that his legs feel weak and spongy. One of the techs tells him, "Gwen wants you to get a good view of your route, so we're going this way first," and leads him by the arm in the direction opposite the shower area. At the end of the cell row, they come to the hallway and stop. Terry can see the door at the end and feels his blood pressure rising again. Afraid of losing it, right there and then, he very sheepishly asks the tech, "Can I go shower, now?" Even walking to the shower is an effort because of the associations that he has built up in his mind. He keeps thinking, "I can't do it! I can't do it!! I just CAN'T do it!!!" The other part of him keeps asking him, "And just WHAT do you think your choices are???" "Not many I guess, but to just try." Getting out of the shower, he's handed a clean set of clothes through the slot. He dresses slowly and leaves his top unfastened. Mental associations are slamming him like heavy waves on a cliff: leaving his top open with having to let it fall, putting his hands ------------------------------------------------------------------- CASE 4 234 through the slot to be handcuffed by the techs with having to turn and let Gwen cuff him, the walk back to his cell with the walk he will take later, and the closing of his cell door with the closing of the doors on his route and the one leading into "the room!" He's so nervous that he almost forgets to have the tech get a message to Gwen. As they uncuff him, he remembers, "When you see Gwen, could you ask her to stop by, when she gets a chance -- it's nothing urgent...." (Although, everything feels urgent -- except for talking.) "Sure thing, Terry." the tech replies. To keep from feeling like he's going nuts, he sits down and starts writing: first about what was racing through his mind going to and from the shower, then just random thoughts. He feels as though he's sitting on a time bomb, and he can almost hear the seconds ticking away in his head. Closer to 4 p.m., closer to 4:45, closer to 5!!! He thinks of Gwen's telling him, the last time, that he normally wouldn't be told when they would be coming for him until about an hour ahead of time and part of him wonders if Gwen is doing this just to "get back" at him for "making her look bad" the last time, while another part of him knows that's crap and that she wouldn't put him through this unless she hoped it was in his best interest. He thinks about all the times when he has either just given up or taken off when something he was supposed to do had seemed too difficult. Gwen's statement to the effect of "a lot of the other challenges in life will seem easy by comparison," comes to mind, followed by her statement that she was sticking her neck out for him and his promise that he'd try not to "chop her head off." Part of him says, "So what! She's one of them. She's just as much a part of what they're going to do to you up there as the guy who puts it on you!" Another part argues, "Maybe so, but I got me here. They're just doing their jobs; and I DON'T think that staying over and sleeping on one of these damn cell bunks, just to be here if I needed her, is exactly something she's required to do!" The battles rage on and, as they do, he writes about them. He's starting to see patterns emerging. When she had first told him to write like this it had seemed pretty ridiculous; but now, it's beginning to make some sense. He hears the door being unlocked and looks up to see Gwen coming in. "Hi Terry. What's going on?" she asks, with a tone of interested concern. "It's these stops -- I'm scared that I'm, like, putting them in the wrong places. There's so many places where I'll need them and there just aren't enough.... Maybe, if I could just keep them all open, then just use them when I need them, but...." "Terry, no matter how many there were, it wouldn't feel like enough. This exercise is about staring your fears full in the face, walking through them, and finding out that you can do a whole lot more than you ever thought you could. No one here has the power to change your sentence and this is not meant to make it worse... These 20 lashes are going to happen because you -- and nobody else, in this instance -- did something for which the court decided it was just. They are going to happen -- regardless of anything which you do, or don't do. There's just no way around that fact, Terry. What I'm trying to do, is help you to make some End of file 06d.txt, go to 06e.txt