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Fake News

Fan's Artwork to Grace Cover

An artist has been selected to do the cover art for the upcoming Ninja Turtles game for the Playstion, PC, and Nintendo Entertainment System. The news was broken at a fansite, which seemed to believe that the big news was the game itself. Most fans, however, have known about the game's impending release for a along time. "Oh yeah," said one fan,"we've known about that forever. Like, you call that news?"



What WAS big news, however, was the shot the site had of the cover for the new game. The artwork was done by none other than Tasha Wassink, fan artist. "I was so suprised," said the TMNT fanatic. "I mean, really, I had know idea. No, REALLY! Who's developing this game, anyway? And where did they get my art?"

The developer of the game declined to comment, saying "Ninja Turtles? Game? Huh?"

*The editor would like to add, that although this is fake news, someone actually DID put this image, that someone created with unauthorized use of my artwork, up at their site, with the claim that this actually was the cover art for a new game. Thought you'd like to know. :)

Image Finally Gets It Right

At Issue number twenty one, many fans had given up on Image getting the ninja turtles right. "They just didn't get it," said one fan. "I mean, Leo and Mike were OK, but Raph was acting a little weird, and Don. . . well, that just wasn't him." But, with issue 21, Image finally got it right. "Yeah! Don was being Don like, and everybody else was acting normal too! No one lost a body part, and the turtles kicked butt! The dialogue made sense, the turtles didn't joke with each other right after something tragic! And best of all, it was more than 4 pages long! I actually got my money's worth!" Fans only complaint was that they still didn't know if Leo had a hand or not.
But apperently this was too little, too late. The Image Turtles series is set to be cancelled after number twenty three. "I can only hope that they get the last two right too," another fan said. "I mean, it just better not end with Raph handing out flowers or anything."

Turtles Fans Set To Gather

A date has been set by fans of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to hold their annual gathering on the west coast. The gathering this year will be held in San Diego, from August 12 until August 14. San Diego citizens are quite concerened that the group of fanatics has chosen their city in which to hold their annual west coast meeting. "Those guys just plain scare me," says Trista Tolles, a resident of San Diego. "I mean, they have these bizzare rituals with sporks. . . it's just too terrible. I can't even talk about it. Why the city is letting them in, I'll never know." Despite citizens' concerns, the city of San Diego decided to let the revelers hold their event. "We have their word that things will not get out of hand," says the mayor, "However, we have put more officers on duty for the duration of their stay, just to make sure things go smoothly." The biggest danger, say officials, is not the group themselves, but the reactions of the populace. Police fear rampant outbursts of "the Look" will disrupt the everyday operation of the city. "But the fans themselves still pose a threat," says Chief Sterns of the San Diego Police Department. "They are planning something called a 'pool party' which they hope will be a nightly event. It could get out of hand, and we're afraid the Look might get used."

For now, citizens are gearing up for the arrival of the TMNT fans. Stores are running out of stock as citizens prepare for the worst. "I just bought enough food so that I wouldn't have to go out while they were here," says Trista, "And I bought Titanic, Varsity Blues, Deep Impact, Anaconda, Double Team, and Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. I'm set."

TMNT make appearence in Phantom Menace

Of course, all Star Wars fans know that there were several hidden suprises in the new Star Wars Episode 1. For instance, the number of a certain droid was 1138 and a delegation of E.T.'s put in an appearence in the Senate. However, there is one fact that is not commonly known: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles also had a cameo in the new blockbuster. You can spot the fab four in the Senate chamber as the fate of Naboo is being decided. They are in the fourth row up.

Of course, readers of this page expected this, since it was leaked to us a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. However, it is gratifing to see our tireless investigative reporting come to fruition.

Green Day Salutes Heroes in a Half Shell

In a interview on MTV Monday, the hit band Green Day reveled the origins of it's band name. "Well, actually, at first we wanted to name the band Ninja Turtles. We're big fans," said lead singer BJ Armstrong. "But then we fingured we'd have to deal with a whole bunch of copyright problems. So we decided that Green Day would be a better way to honor the fab four and still avoid legal problems." The members of the band, he went on to say, used gather every tuesday to watch Teengae Mutant Ninja Turtles and discuss the latest comic book issues. They called the day "Green Day."

And do the members of the band still practice "Green Day"? "When we have the time, it's great to get together over our favorite episodes starring Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael."

Segal to head bang-up crew in new TMNT movie

The cast list was relased today for the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie, and like the title says, it is led by none other than Steven Segal. Segal will be playing Splinter in the movie, providing both the voice and working the puppet. "It's a real departure for me," said Segal at a press conference. "I have always wanted to play a four foot tall mutant rodent. This is an actors dream come true!"

Also announced were several other prominent actors and actresses to fill the roles of the turtles voices; Keanu Reeves will be Michaelangelo, Brad Pitt will be providing the voice for Leonardo, Arnold Schwartzenegger will be mumbling for Rapheal, Whitney Houston will be Venus (they have altered the script to include a couple of musical numbers), and Jane Fonda will be taking over as April.

Perhaps the biggest suprise, though, was the announcement that Steve Jobs, head of Apple Inc., will be providing the voice for Donatello. "This is one thing that Bill Gates hasn't done yet!" Jobs screamed at the press conference.

Jackie Chan will make a special guest appearence.

Bill Gates Attempts Take Over of TMNT

Late breaking story! For those of you who don't know, on Monday, the 11 of September, Bill Gates bid on the TMNT franchise. When asked why he made such a move he responded "I'm trying to diversify my holdings. . . also, Dog (his cat) really likes them."

The sum offered was reportledly in the billions.

Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, the legal owners of Mirage Studios (which holds the copyright and trademark) were asked for their reactions. "Yeah, like we'd let some guy who still lives within 2 miles of his parents come anywhere NEAR the Turtles!" Kevin Eastman responded. Peter Laird's reaction was even more vehement: "I'd rather have Venus become the LEADER of the turtles than sell them to that dweeb!"

This may prove to be a setback for Microsoft. Gates was so confident in his takover bid that he already ordered the re-naming of the new version of Windows. The new name was to be "TurtleWin", in keeping with the cartoon tradition of putting "Turtle" before everything (e.g. TurtleVan, TurtleBlimp, etc.)

Gates says he will now attempt to try to obtain the rights to the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. "Dog doesn't like them as much, but they'll probably be cheeper."

George Lucas Inventor of New Turtle

It has been leaked by a member of ILM that the Venus DeMilo character on the new show Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation was thought of by GEORGE LUCAS himself, but he is keeping his name off of the credits ( it is said he is afraid of being accused of having a monopoly over the entire filmmaking/TV industry.) However, this will not stop the soon to be cross merchandising between Star Wars and NT:TNM. It has been leaked by our sources that in the upcoming Star Wars Prequals, young Luke and Leia have Ninja Turtle dolls in their cribs, and the Milienium Falcon will now feature a fuzzy ninja turtle with suction cups stuck to the window (this is when Lando's great uncle still owned the Falcon.) Also, look carefully at the background aliens in the new production; you may just recognise four or five of them.

The Venus character is reported in all quarters to have the same abilities that the Force is renouned for endowing; perception altering, telekinesis, and clairvoyance are among the most prominent. It has been suggested that Lucas and the Turtle camp are attempting to show a close connection between "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" and modern times.

Not only will Venus use the Force, but it is said the Dragon Lord's voice will be performed by none other than James Earl Jones. Also watch for special guest appearences by Chewbacca (in a brawl with the villan Bonesteel), the Star Wars line of Toys (which Michaelangelo and Donatello play with in one scene), and in the upcoming movie, Harrison Ford may make a cameo (making the line in the first movie by April O'Neil "Why don't I ever dream of Harrison Ford?" particularly prophetic).

Of course, the crossover doesn't end there; don't forget to watch for the TMNT/SW crossover dolls, available soon! There's Venus/Luke, Raph/Han, Leo/Chewie (how they ever came up with that I'll never know), Leia/Mike(I'm not making this up; one wonders what gender roles will be played out on the new turtles show), Wedge/Don, Splinter/Yoda, Casey/Lando, April/Mon Mothma, and my personal fav, Chief Sterns/Porkins (he tries to execute a plan of re deployment, but dies in a little over a minute). And that concludes today's turtle update.