“Captains log, stardate 4193.2. Today I, Captain Donatello, take command of the Starship Enterprise. As I sit looking at her. . .” Don grinned sheepishly. He stared at the model of the NCC-1701 he had hanging from the light in his room. When it was dark like this, with only that little bit of bluish light filtering in from the outside, he could imagine that he was looking at the famous starship out in space. How cool would that be, he thought to himself. Ah, well, someday, he sighed. After I know a lot more than I know now. Everything, even.
He turned over and closed his eyes. He hoped he would dream tonight. He didn’t dream very often, but always enjoyed his dreams when he did. Cognitive thinking didn’t leave him in his dreams; usually, he ended up controlling what went on (and in full Technicolor!) OK, empty your mind. You will be asleep in five counts. Five, four, three, two, one. . . and his breathing slowed down, and he was asleep.
He felt his feet hit the ground before he could see it. It was dark all around him. He stood still, trying to let his eyes adjust. It was not totally dark, he realized, but instead had a slight pre-dawn glow. When his eyes did adjust, a desolate landscape was revealed. It was dry, barren, rocky. . . it looked a lot like Death Valley, in fact. He remembered the Star Trek where they had used a scene much similar to this; Kirk had been desperately fighting a reptile creature, with not only his life but the lives of his entire crew at stake. Don smiled at the thought. “But that was a TV show. This is the middle of a desert.”
“Quite right,” said a voice behind him. Don whirled around towards the voice, and was greeted by a discrepancy. There, in the middle of the desert, was an office desk, with an office chair behind it, and a man in the chair. He looked to be in his middle thirties, with horn-rimmed glasses and a business suit. He looked up at Don. “I was wondering when you were going to arrive.”
“Where is this? And who are you?”
“Hmm, such loaded questions. Well,” with this the man leaned back in his chair, “I’ll be direct with you, Don. I am what you would refer to as. . . well, for lack of a better term, the devil.”“WHAT?” Don recoiled. Then he paused. “I get it. . . I’m dreaming. OK. So, you’re the devil, huh?”
The man smiled. “Yes.”
“Hmmm. Not exactly what I expected.”
“You want the horns, cloven hooves, pointed tail, trident, fire and the whole shebang, huh?”
“No, actually, I guess it makes sense this way. The devil would be a lawyer.”
“Quite right, Don. Very good!” he laughed. “anyway, to answer your other question; this is. . . well, this is a piece of land I would like to acquire.”
“That’s nice. May I ask what this has to do with me?”
“I’ll get to that,” he paused. “What do you know about everything, Don?”
“Huh?”
“C’mon, I know you can come up with a more intelligent answer than ‘huh’”
‘I mean. . . I don’t understand exactly what you are saying.”
“What I am asking, Donatello, is what do you know about everything. Everything meaning,” he leaned foward over his desk, “everything in existance, and even some things that don’t exist. Everything.”
“Well,” Don started, “I know a lot. I don’t know everything. . . no one can know everthing. . . but I’m still learning new things all the time.”
The lawyer laughed. “How wonderfully naive. You see, someone can know everything. All that they need is a little help.”
“From you.” Don said sarcastically.
“Yes.”
“Of course, you just do this out of the goodness of your heart.”
“Now, don’t be silly. This is not a free offer. Something must be given in return. As it is said, ‘There is no such thing as a free lunch.’”
“And you are offering me this help.”
“Very astute of you, Donatello! That kind of logic is why I chose to reveal myself to you instead of going through the usual dramatics,” he paused. “Yes, I am offering this to you. Imagine, if you will, knowing everything. I do mean everything. . . actually, you have tasted this already. . . remember the turnstone?”
“Yes,” Don said quietly. “I also remember how I almost destroyed everything -- everything that is important to me -- with it.”
“Ah, yes, that was a problem. But, what I’m offering you will not destroy anything. . . it will merely allow you to know everything. That is all, no more, no less. The price is. . . not all that high, considering what you will gain.”
“And what is the price?”
The man -- the devil -- looked out over the bleak landscape. Dawn was fast approaching, but the added light just made the landscape look more forsaken. “I said that I was interested in this property.”
“But. . . I’ve never seen this place before. What does it have to do with me?”
The devil chuckled. “Donatello, it is you. This . . . place . . . is what you would call your soul.”
Don thumped down onto the ground as if he had been hit. This desolate place. . . my soul? But, its so ugly. . . and barren. . and. . . he could feel tears beginning to prick his eyes as he thought this.
“Like I said, the price really isn’t that high. I mean, look at this place!” he indicated the landscape with a wave of his hand. “Definitely a loss. But when you think about what you could trade it for. . .”
Don just looked at him, tears in his eyes.
“Perhaps. . . yes. A brief trial period, just to see how you like it? Think of it as a test run,” and he waved his hand at Don.
Suddenly, the universe folded into itself. The billions of little parts of the universe separated, and Don found he could look at every one in turn. Then just as suddenly, it snapped, and Don was sitting on the cold ground again. All he knew was a profound sense of loss.
“So what did you think?” the devil grinned. “An exhilarating experience, no?”
“Wonderful,” Don managed to croak.
“I knew you’d like it. So, do we have a deal? This piece of land, for understanding of everything? Not a bad bargain,” he grinned. “I’ve already had all the papers prepared. All you have to do is sign.” He held out a leaf of papers and a pen towards Don.
Don took the pen in his hand. What should I do? he thought. My soul. . . everything. . . what should I do? He was in turmoil. What should I do? What should I do? Help! Help me! He poised his hand over the document.
Just then, the first ray of sunshine shot over the horizon, and covered the landscape. Don blinked, and looked at the landscape again. The rocks seemed to glow in the light, some of them a sandy red-brown, others almost translucent. The sky was the full rainbow of colors. The beauty of it staggered Don.
He dropped the pen on the ground.
“You know,” he said, “I think that I’ll pass. I kinda like this property.” He looked out at it again, then turned back to the now fuming devil. “And speaking of which. . . aren’t you trespassing? This is my property. Get off.”
“WHAT? You impudent little. . .”
“I said, GET OFF.”
The devil started toward Don, and began to change as he came, becoming a dark shadow with a humanoid figure inside it. But before it could get to him, it started to dissolve. “NO!!!” it screamed. “NOOoooo. . .” Then it was gone, and Don was alone.
“I’d rather learn all that stuff for myself, anyway,” Don said to no one in particular. “Lets see, now I’m going to need . . . well, this shouldn’t be too hard, I am dreaming after all.”
Soon Don was seated on a comfortable chair, re-reading A Brief History Of Time, and watching the sun come up over his soul.
In his sleep, Don sighed blissfully.