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| Two country fellows met on a back road one
afternoon.
One was going down the road with a possum-hunting dog and the other said to him, "How much will you take for the dog?" The owner quoted a price of $100-- and declared the dog was an excellent hunter. The other fellow accepted the price and wrote out a check on the spot and handed it over. The owner shook his head and gave the check back. "The check's good," the buyer said. "I'm a trustee in the Methodist Church." So the owner took the check and handed over the dog. A little bit later he met his uncle and asked him. "Uncle Josh, what does it mean to be a trustee in the Methodist Church?" Uncle Josh replied, "I'm not sure, but I think it's something like being a deacon in the Baptist Church." "Oh, shucks," the man said, "there goes my dog." |
| One day a 6 year old girl was sitting
in the classroom.
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Teacher: Tommy do you see the tree out side? Tommy: Yes. Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass out side? Tommy: Yes. Teacher: Go out side and look up and see if you can see the sky. Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky. Teacher: Did you see God? Tommy: No. Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. The little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. Teacher agreed and she asked the boy: Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the tree outside? Tommy: Yes. Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside? Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time) Little girl Did you see the sky? Tommy: Yessssss Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher? Tommy: Yes Little Girl Do you see her brain? Tommy: No Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one? |
| A funeral service is being held for a
woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall
bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a
wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket
and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!'' |
| As a new minister, I wanted my first holiday
services to be both attractive and meaningful.
The Christmas Eve service included a candle-lighting ceremony in which each congregant lit a candle from his neighbor's candle. At the conclusion of the ceremony, the congregation sat hushed, pondering the beauty of the moment. I rose to announce a hymn and was taken completely by surprise when laughter broke out in response to my invitation: "Now that everyone is lit, let's sing joy to the world." David Pinckney |
| After church on Sunday morning, a young boy
suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to
be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen." |
| Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful, sunny Sunday morning
and decides he just has to play golf.
He pretends he's sick and convinces the associate pastor to say mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 50 miles away so he won't run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee he sees he has the entire course to himself: Everyone else is in church! Watching from heaven, Saint Peter turns to the Lord and asks, "are you going to let him get away with this?" Just then Father Norton hits the ball. It heads straight for the pin, drops just short of it, rolls up, and falls into the hole - a 420 yard hole in one! Astonished, Saint Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?" The Lord smiles and replies, "Who's he going to tell?" |
| A BARGAIN?
A man and his son went top church, and when they came out the man was complaining that the service was too long, the preacher no good, and the singing off-key. Finally the little boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime." |