1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal operation? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. We all know who Gandhi was, right? He was a spiritual man who fasted regularly. Some may not realize that fasting, when practiced regularly and for extended periods, leads not only to weight loss, but can also cause bad breath. No matter, his interests were higher. This great leader hardly ever wore shoes. One might say he was... a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing: She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice. "No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well,? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesman." "A battery salesman?" cried the wife. "Yes." he replied, "She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore!"

There once was a young man who had just left the doctors office after learning he was dying. He was understandably very upset by the news. He decided to find out what alternatives to medicine might be available and the very same day headed to the city's main public library to investigate further. Tucked away back in a dusty corner was an obviously old book on unusual facts. Searching through it, he stumbled across an entry concerning an account of some immortal porpoises living in Central Africa. Deciding on the spot that this was his salvation, he soon was on his way across the ocean to deepest darkest Africa. Hating to fly, he'd booked passage on an outgoing ocean liner. As the ship neared the coast, he spied some sea gulls nurturing their broods along a craggy cliff. He soon thereafter disembarked and after acquiring enough provisions and equipment for an extended trek, headed into the interior in search of the immortal porpoises. After many days of slogging through interminable jungle, he came upon a clearing and saw what he took to be porpoises swimming within a pool in the center of the clearing. He excitedly rushed up to the pool and asked the porpoises (who amazingly enough could talk and indeed spoke excellent English) for the secret to immortality. One of the porpoises replied that yes they would give him the secret, but he would have to first do something for them. He of course replied with a resounding yes before he even knew what it was. The porpoise continued that they'd had a hankering for some baby sea gulls, which were in obvious short supply in Central Africa, and that they'd give him the secret of immortality if he'd bring them some baby sea gulls. He agreed and remembering where he'd last seem some, but discouraged because he knew it was a long way back, headed back to the coast to get the baby sea gulls. He finally arrived after days of travel and successfully gathered several of the birds without being pecked to death by the angry parents. After safely enclosing them in some cages he'd brought along, he again headed back to the clearing in the jungle. When he finally arrived at the clearing he was dismayed to find that a pride of lions was lounging around the pool blocking all access to the porpoises and appearing to be in no hurry to move on. Frantically pondering what to do he remembered the tranquilizer gun that he'd brought along. Taking it out and loading it, he calmly tranquilized all the lions. Elated he took the cages with the young sea gulls and headed toward the porpoises in the pool. Just as he was about to step over the sleeping lions, a game warden stepped out of the jungle and said to him. "Hold on there you can't do that!" "Why not?" said the man. "Because" said the game warden, "it's illegal to transport young gulls across sedated lions for immortal porpoises!"

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and later had a little sweet potato, whom they called "Yam". Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't be accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, "Frito Lay."

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. "Tom Brokaw!" Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a Common tater!

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong with his teeth. He's examined and told "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much, I now put it on everything... Meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient, to which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

A frog goes up to a teller in a bank and he notices her name is Patty Whack. "Good mornin' Miss Whack" says he, "I am Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger and I'd like a £100,000 loan". Patty explains that he'll need some collateral to obtain a loan that large. The frog nods his head and passes her a pink china ornament shaped like an elephant. Patty is mystified but when she questions the frog he says "Go and ask the bank manager. He'll know who I am!"

So Patty goes into the bank manager's office and says "There's a frog outside called Kermit Jagger, he wants to borrow £100,000 and he's offered this pink china elephant as collateral!" The bank manager looks at her and says... "It's a knick knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone"

A guy had a girlfriend named Lorraine. He liked her a lot. But one day, he found there was a new girl at work named Clearly. He was attracted to Clearly, but he knew he couldn't take her out while he was dating Lorraine. He knew he had to break up with Lorraine. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day, as they were walking along the riverbank, Lorraine fell in and was swept away. The guy was shocked but soon recovered. He ran off singing "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone..."

A pirate ship landed on an island in search of treasure. The captain and first mate followed a trail into a swamp, carrying a map. They'd sunk up to their knees when the captain bumped his shin on something hard. Reaching down, he pulled up a trunk. They found gold inside beyond their wildest dreams. Said the captain "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, booty is only shin deep!"

There were a number of wharf owners down in the dock area, whose wharves had been worn down over time. One day they were visited by members of the local beautification committee, who implored them to spruce up their dock areas. As a group they were less than swayed by mere esthetics, but their ears did perk up at the mention of a contest to find, honor, and reward the best effort. Needless to say, they were all soon busily restoring their wharves to pristine condition. The judging committee members were suitably impressed and truly had a hard time deciding on a winner. But one was finally chosen, proving that one can indeed be judged by one's piers.