SPEAK EASY
by Shannon L. Story
"Look at this bill, Agniz!"
Without looking up, Agniz fished around on her plate for the elusive bit of synthisteak hiding under the synthigravy. She had already seen the bill when she got home from work and didn't want to see it again.
"Did you hear me, Agniz?" Burnee said in his irritating nasal whine.
She sighed and thought bitterly, here we go again.
"I heard you, dear," she said sweetly, examining the remains of her dinner without glancing past her fork. She wasn't in the mood to eat now. She put her fork down on the plate and glanced at the saltshaker, her glass of iced tea, the napkin in her lap. At anything, but Burnee.
"And?"
She heard the rustle of paper and finally glanced up to see Burnee's thin, gray-brown mustache quiver like a mouse in a trap. Not a good sign. She grabbed the napkin from her lap and tossed it on the plate.
Her husband of fifteen years, grasped the two-foot long bill in his pudgy hand and waved it around the tiny dining room like some primitive hunter with a prize bone.
"And what, Burnee?" Agniz sighed again as she stood, picked up the dishes and started for the kitchen. She shoved the door open with her elbow and went into the minuscule enclave as Burnee was about to go at it again.
"What about this phrase right--"
The door shut behind her, cutting off the rest of Burnee's babble. The silence lasted four seconds, then Burnee came rushing in, trailing the bill behind him.
"Oh, so now you have nothing to say. Why didn't you have nothing to say at work? Or when you're yakking to your mother? Or when you and Beddi talk during lunch every day," Burnee sputtered, talking a deep breath to continue the barrage of accusations.
"Burnee--"
But too late. He was at it again. Agniz groaned.
"We're goin' broke, Agniz. How are we gonna pay for all these? I'll have to get a second job. They'll take the house. We'll be sent to Penal Colony 4. We could be executed, for God's--"
"Now, Burnee," Agniz interrupted with total exasperation. He always made such a big deal out of everything. "How was I supposed to know they were--"
"Look 'em up in the glichin' database, Agniz!" Burnee screamed, interrupted her interruption. "That's why we pay 120 sniks a month for the glichin' thing!"
"You don't have to be verbally abusive about it, Burnee," she snapped. She jettisoning the dishes in the recycler with a loud clatter, then pushed the start button. I should have shoved that bill down the recycler before Burnee got home, she mused. Then she thought of something. No, I should shove Burnee into the recycler.
"Listen--"
"No, you listen, Mr. Burnee T. Pinlop," Agniz squeaked.
I hate it when my voice does that, she thought to herself as she spun around to confront him, hands on hips, and toe tapping.
If the squeak in her voice hadn't stopped him, his full name surely did. His mouth froze in an "O" of surprise and his bushy eyebrows made fuzzy exclamation points above his eyes.
"I did look them up in the CorWUP database this morning. They weren't there! What else can I do? Tell me, Burnee? What else can I do?" She pleaded, wishing he would understand.
"You could be a little more kreebin'--" Burnee stopped in mid-sentence and looked sheepish as the BillBox in the living room gave a loud "ding" as it rang up a surcharge.
"Ha!" She gave him a gloating look. "Not that easy, is it, Mr. Burnee T. Pinlop? Is it?"
He remained silent. She knew she was right. And she knew, he knew, to when his anger sputtered out like a stale firecracker. There was nothing either of them could do except try and keep up with CorWUP's mad race to register the latest fad in phrases. Unfortunately, it was impossible to keep up, it changed so fast. They could spend hours a day at the computer and still not get them all.
"It's the glichin' companies . . . and their glichin' greed . . . and their glichin'--"
Alarmed, Agniz noticed that the bald spot on Burnee's head was starting to turn pink. Not a good sign. "There, there, dear, you'll get your blood pressure up again and you know what that means," she cooed, patting him on the cheek.
Burnee took a deep breath letting it escape slowly out his nose, like they had taught him at the Medi-Clin. It didn't help. The bald spot was turning red.
Definitely not a good sign, Agniz mused. "Just count to ten, dear."
Burnee counted to ten. That didn't help either. Agniz started for the lavatory, and the medicine cabinet.
"It's getting ridiculous, Agniz. Having to pay for phrases that companies use in their advertising." Burnee whined as he followed her. "What are we supposed to say? Every time we think it's safe to speak, there's another CorWUP surcharge."
"Well, I guess we'll just have to shut up and stop talking," she said half jokingly. The thought crossed her mind that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all.
Suddenly the BillBox in the living room gave another loud "ding."
Kreeb,them, Agniz thought angrily, as she walked back into the living room. Burnee followed close behind her, his bald spot turning redder at each step, his nostrils flaring, like in those antiquated King Kong movies.
The BillBox was spitting out more surcharges. Wonder what word or phrase they trademarked this time, she contemplated as she glared at the printout and saw the words:
"SHUT UP AND STOP TALKING"(TM@05/04/2050 20:20:04) == 12 Snik surcharge.
"They've got to be joking, Burnee."
"The Corporation of Word-Usage Privileges? Joke? Ha. Now that's a laugh and a half, Agniz. A real laugh and a half."
"But it's not fair, Burnee. The CorWUP are registering everything we say. Why, Beddi said that while Reverend Oral Swagtyl was preaching yesterday, they trademarked the phrase "God Almightily." Right in the middle of his sermon. He said tithing would have to go up 20 percent, or the church was going to go bankrupt!"
The BillBox gave a ding and they watched the yellow and black sheet of paper roll forward, then stopped.
"GOD ALMIGHTY"(TM@06/18/2051 07:33:30) == 15 Snik surcharge.
Burnee groaned and touched his nose gingerly. "Let's go to bed, Agniz, before I get a nosebleed . . . and they start chargin' for the whole glichin' English language."
Ding, went the BillBox. Agniz and Burnee looked down at the advancing paper:
START CHARGIN'(TM@06/19/2051 20:20:58) == 3 Snik surcharge.
Husband and wife glanced up at the clock on the wall: 06/19/2051 20:21:22. Burnee's nose started to bleed. "My God, what next," Wife and husband said in unison. Ding! Went the BillBox. They didn't even glance at it, and went to bed.
*****
As anemic sunlight filtered through the porthole size bedroom window, Agniz yawned. She stretched and looked over at Burnee. He was curled up in the sheets, his thumb stuck in his mouth.
"At least that keeps him from talking in his sleep," she muttered as she took out her ear-plugs and nudged him awake.
"Come on, Burnee, wake up. The sun is shining, the bird's are singing."
"There haven't been birds in years."
"Aw, come on grouchy. Get up."
Burnee groaned, snuggled deeper into the sheets, then turned over to reveal a cotton plug peeking out from his right nostril.
"Go way," was his muffled reply as he tugged a pillow over his head.
Agniz sighed, got up, pulled on a lavender robe, stuck her feet into fuzzy pink slippers and shuffled out of the bedroom.
"Want coffee? What about some synthi-bacon?" she shouted. "I can make your favorite, French synthi-egg toast."
"Just wanna sleep."
As she passed the living room, she heard muffled "dinging" behind the living room door. The BillBox sounded strange, like it was stuck. She shuffled to the door, opened it and stared into the room. Her mouth froze in an "O" of surprise and her thin eyebrows made exclamation points above her eyes.
"Burnee! Come quick," she screamed.
The small room was three feet deep in paper, and the machine was vomiting more in a continuous stream. Horrified, she waded through the paper, to the BillBox and started reading:
"B"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 2 Snik surcharge.
"U"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 4 Snik surcharge.
"R"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 3 Snik surcharge.
"N"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 4 Snik surcharge.
"E"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 2 Snik surcharge.
"E"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 2 Snik surcharge.
"!"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 1 Snik surcharge.
"C"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 3 Snik surcharge.
O"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 4 Snik surcharge.
"M"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 2 Snik surcharge.
"E"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 2 Snik surcharge.
"Q"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 5 Snik surcharge.
"U"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 4 Snik surcharge.
"I"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 4 Snik surcharge.
"C"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 3 Snik surcharge.
"K"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 4 Snik surcharge.
"!"(TM@06/20/2051 03:04:56) == 1 Snik surcharge.
-30-
© 1994 Shannon L. Story